bitbanter

Houston, Texas, 2000 — Hot off the heels of breathtaking Q3 results, Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling held a press conference today to showcase his unbridled optimism for deregulated energy markets while imploring us to meet this brave new world responsibly.

We have done incredible work opening up dynamic energy markets, unlocking unfathomable productivity gains for society.

But my conscience nags at me — is this too much too fast? Can society truly handle this much efficiently delivered energy? I worry the world isn’t prepared.

Enron CEO Jeffrey Skilling

Skilling spent the better part of the next hour describing an intricate theory of consciousness, where he likened the ebb and flow of energy markets as the emergence of a new kind of sentient life, one that would embody our collective human will as we transcended the Kardashev scale. Shrimp were also mentioned.

A visibly perspirated Skilling ended his 45-minute presentation on A New Theory of Energy Consciousness to a hushed room, brimming with anticipation. He sighed heavily, concluding his remarks with a soft whisper that still managed to command everyone’s attention.

…and to protect us all from civilization-ending calamity, I have sought the protection of the best guardianship humanity can buy. Starting right now, today, all Enron trading desks and products will have Forward-Deployed Safety Evaluators from Arthur Andersen.

The moment he finished, reporters and investors alike exploded in applause. Skilling merely smiled and nodded slowly, mouthed a few silent “thank yous,” then exited the stage as the spectacle of enthusiasm drowned out any hope of Q&A.

“This is a game changer,” claimed Lehman Brothers buy-side analyst Walter Harrington. “Not only is Enron revolutionizing consciousness itself — through efficient market-based energy pricing — they’re doing it responsibly. Nobody Accentuates safety like Arthur Andersen.”

At a subsequent and less well-attended press conference a day later, Enron CFO Andy Fastow informed the press of a forthcoming $600 million impairment cost in Q4 related to Expanded Safety Protocols. He also announced Enron’s intent to break ground on a high-yield uranium enrichment facility.