Welcome...to the Web 210 Mint
The TL;DR
Since most of bitbanter will be cryptocurrency satire, it stands to
reason that I have a loosely associated, harebrained degenerate
regenerative financial scheme hastily bolted onto it. So I'm running a
smart contract mint. Each mint produces a pixelated Bitbanter Tulip NFT; one mint in the
collection is the Golden variant, randomly assigned at mint time by the
smart contract, and the rest are standard.
Participating in the mint is like spending a small amount of ETH for a chance to receive a long-delayed satire of dubious quality. If you don't receive the golden variant, you get a shade of the poorly drawn tulip instead. If the mint fails to reach its arbitrary 10000 participant goal, then some ETH is burned for no good reason, some ETH goes to a few good causes, and I get nothing. If it does reach its goal (or someone claims the golden variant directly), some more ETH goes to a few good causes, and the rest funds continued development of bitbanter and related satirical projects, including the eventual production of a commissioned book. The holder of the Golden Bitbanter Tulip may receive that bespoke book at my sole discretion, approximately four years after the mint concludes. No refunds, no guarantees, no legal obligation — this is satire.
Nothing here is something a well-adjusted person would do.
Intrigued or disgusted? Read on for details!
Wow, a pixelated golden tulip! So cool. Perhaps the best NFT that exists, or will ever exist. How can I receive it?
Simple, participate in the bitbanter mint! I'm using the very latest in Sybil-resistant, soulbound token mechanics to keep the mint as fair as theoretically possible, which means your probability of receiving the golden variant goes up the more you participate.
The price to participate in the mint starts at 0.0001 ETH, but it increments upwards by 0.0001 ETH each time someone participates, with the goal to have 10000 participants. So the very last participant would pay 1 ETH to get a spot. I'd say it pays to be early, but honestly you're wasting your ETH either way.
To provide an extra (dis)incentive, the Golden Bitbanter Tulip holder may, at my sole discretion, receive an additional privilege: a bespoke book, published here approximately four years after the mint concludes. The book itself will be encrypted against the public key of the Golden Bitbanter Tulip owner at that time. (assuming I can derive it) I will never publish another book again, and they can choose when and if their bespoke book ever sees the light of day — but either way I'll keep a copy for myself. Consider it the Once Upon a Time in Shaolin of crypto-satire.
...the golden variant holder will, as a matter of course, have zero creative control over what I write. And if they are not anonymous and I don't particularly like them, I will — in all likelihood — make the entire thing an epic literary roast of whoever they are.
Huh okay, a book too. Not really my thing but I really like the golden pixelated tulip. Surely if I wind up spending more ETH to participate I'll have a higher probability of receiving it?
Surprisingly, no it does not. Your probability is scaled against the number of participants, not how much ETH you submit. That said, my "sybil-resistant" mechanism doesn't seem particularly robust, so it seems you can participate multiple times to up your probability. Why you'd want to do that I have no idea.
Ugh I am already way too long in crypto and sick of exceptionally random outcomes. Is there any way I can guarantee receiving this amazing, one-of-a-kind golden pixelated tulip?
Why, yes! You can. If you are an avid collector of digital, on-chain rubbish, you have the option of "buying it now" for the market price of 10000 ETH and claiming the golden variant directly...just as a premium-tulip-buying whale would expect.
Against all better judgment I participated in the mint. When does the smart contract assign the golden variant? And what happens to the ETH?
The golden variant can only be assigned after 10000 people participate — or if one person participates 10000 times, or anywhere in between — or when someone claims the golden variant directly. I can also choose to end the mint early — if I get bored with the concept or someone tries to turn this into a god-forsaken community or DAO. But if I do, my portion of the ETH is burned, and the pixelated golden tulip returns to me.
No matter what the outcome, a portion of the ETH is hard-coded to benefit four groups doing good things: ZachXBT, Coin Center, the Internet Archive, and Give Directly. And take heart, all participants will receive these not-golden Bitbanter Tulip ERC-1155s as the standard variant — 1 for each time they contributed. The ERC-1155s are minted as you participate in the mint, and they are immovable (aka the ERC-1155 contract is paused) until the mint concludes. Just consider yourself a forced tulip HODLer or something.
As for the rest of the ETH? Originally I wanted to put it into a loan protocol and lever it up as a joke, but upon reflection that was even too Rube-Goldberg for me. I suspect the funniest thing will be to put most of the proceeds toward the most ironically productive, crypto-triggering investment I can imagine. Might do that anyway, mint or not. Either way the outcome will be humorous (to me).
Cool, that sounds cursed, good for you. So other than maybe receiving a book that I don't want to read, what else do the tulips do?
Absolutely — and I cannot stress this enough — nothing. I don't even personally find them aesthetically pleasing; I spent 20 minutes whipping them up. They are intrinsically worthless, unless you are deranged enough to believe wasting space in Ethereum's state trie is valuable.
Hmm so is there a roadmap or a discord–
I'm going to stop you right there. Under no conditions in this (or any other) universe am I going to encourage, endorse, participate in, or cater to any kind of "community" — particularly if it consists of members who expect a roadmap.
There is no roadmap. There is no community. If any one of you suggests or hints at the prospect of "governance," I swear to God I will nuke the contract and burn the ETH early. Don't test me.
...do I get to have any input in bitbanter or any kind of special privileges or–
NO. No no no no no no. You get nothing but a weird pointer to a stupid pixelated tulip bloating the Ethereum blockchain, or that AND a vague claim on a book that will invariably disappoint you. I am not lying. There is no utility in these; if anything, I will probably think less of you if you have one. Especially if you receive the golden one.
Well then why would I participate?
I HAVE NO IDEA. Nothing makes sense anymore. Enjoy!
An Obvious Disclaimer My Lawyer Claude Made Me Include
This is a satirical art project. The NFTs have no utility, no investment value, and no expected return. Participants should expect to receive nothing of economic value and should have no expectation of profit from the efforts of others. This is not a security, not an investment contract, not a raffle, not a lottery, and not a gambling product. Participation is at your own risk and may be restricted in your jurisdiction. No refunds.